I had an idea about what to write about earlier today, but I have forgotten it by now. I know a lot of you aren't really in direct contact with me, or don't IM me, but a few of you do. I'm pretty sure most anyone that has, has experienced some brunt of a bad mood of mine...sometimes it's deserved, and sometimes it really is not...but sometimes it really, truly is. I want to apologize now, and in advance for any instance in which I get short or grouchy with people. I know you all just miss talking to me and really just want to hear about everything going on here, but please try and be understanding and patient for the situation I am in, even at it's most basic level. While the stress I am under here is very different from what I am under at school, they are still stressful circumstances nonetheless, which I'm sure is obvious. Try to remember that I work 10 hour days in very hot weather, in very uncomfortable conditions, and that sometimes when I get home, I don't want to relive that entire 10 hour day, or that every weekend, that 60 hour week. Try to remember that my work is all a part of a huge learning process...I can never feel like I am the best person for the job, or I never feel satisfied, wholly with my abillities, I struggle with that fact that I have to keep trying to do it better and better (which is probably true of everyone, it's just something I want to point out). Try to remember that I only get 1 day off a week, and that so far, I have only had one of those and it was spent traveling all day. I know that sometimes I even start or initiate the conversation oriented around what I'm going through and that I can grow irritible at the flip of switch and just not want to talk anymore- again I ask that people be patient. For the most part you are all pretty understanding which helps, the last thing I need is to try and take in and deconstruct this experience and then, at the same time, worry or feel guilty at how my processing of all of this manifests itself in a bad mood. And if I am coming to you to talk, or vent, please realize that that's what I need from you, someone to listen. I don't need someone to try and make me look at things from a different perpspective, I'm trying to understand the perspective I have- not lose it or let it go. I don't need my feelings validated or invalidated, sometimes i just need to put them somewhere else besides my own mind and heart. If I snap at you because you don't understand, I'm sorry, that's not fair- but try and be thoughtful and considerate of the position I am in; irrespective of the the fact that it is my choice to be here.
If you couldn't tell today was a harder day. It was fine for a while, but at some point in the day I just really lost my energy and good spirit. I couldn't tell if I felt ill, or sad, or tired...I just floated in this ambiguous state of not feeling my best. It's like this entire experience just crashes and recedes like waves. It can take your breath away in good and bad ways. The fact that I am here,and that I am happy here, fills me with life and a hunger for more knowledge and worldly exploration...it makes me feel like I am ready for the next challenge, any challenge (though I'll pass on anything in the form of poor health whilst here). It makes me hopeful and optimistic about everything I can still accomplish, because here I am, only 22 and I am living in Egypt, If this is where I am at 22, who knows what I could see or do in the next 5 years.
But for every up, there is a down, and this experience is the epitome of mania. It is all so much at once that when you fall from that peak of optimism, that high from the quick pace of a new, eye opening experience, it seems like nothing, at all, makes sense. You feel guilty for what you have, you feel conflicted about what to do with what you learn, you are drained of all of your energy and suddenly putting on a smile seems to be the next challenge you face.
Everything is so complicated and so simple all at once and that only scratches the surface of the things running through my mind. I'm still trying to deal with all of the same questions and problems that everyone is dealing with back at home. Questions about my future, questions about the disappointments of the past, regret, mistakes, making changes, making decisions, making progress, and at the same time, trying to relax.
I don't want anyone to worry about me, I'm still doing great. I'm still a hopeful girl with an intense curiosity about the world, and I'm going to continue to embrace every highlight and every pitfall with the same attitude.
I'm sorry if this entry seems more like a downer...I guess I'll try and conclude with a funny snippet that occured today:
Richard: Oh Kelly, as soon as you fill up a box with the identified material, close it and make sure you write EOG and "done"
Kelly: Okay
Richard: Oh and the year...
Kelly: This year?
Richard: yes
Kelly: OR 4th DYNASTY??
..........prolonged silence to note Kelly being a smartass.....
that very well could have been a "you had to be there" moment.
There was also the point in the day where I created a new verb:
sheepgoat (v): to look at one of 9 reliable, anatomical differences between sheep and goat bones and successfully distinguish between the two
Example sentence/discussion that took place:
Kelly: Oh look an entire calcanium
Richard: yes, Kelly, very nice (I don't even think he was paying any attention to me at this point!)
Kelly: You know what that means? It means I can sheepgoat it
Richard: Yes it does....and you created a new verb too, excellent.
I hope everyone has a happy hump day...though for me wednesday is actually over the hump..so I get a different hump day alltogether.
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